Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been irritable, on edge, overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, nervous, on the verge of tears and just ready to have a mental breakdown. I’m done dealing with people, I’m done dealing with this year.
I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve never felt like I’m about to cry over the smallest thing, but I’m started to lose patience with not only people, but with everything else. I’m surprised that I haven’t lashed out on someone.
When I look back over the last few weeks and try and figure out what’s making me feel this way, I begin to think about what’s been going on. There was some family stuff that was going on that I didn’t want to deal with, but I felt forced into dealing with because I felt like I had to. I often feel like I’m being used because it’s convenient and I deal with it because “it’s the right thing to do.”
When someone is in my personal space or in my home for more than I’m comfortable with, I start to lose interest in the things that bring me joy. I have a list of things that I want to write, but I lose interest in those projects. My home is where I go to recharge and to get away from the world, its where I let my creativity and my passions thrive, but if I’m around people all the time even at home, those passions, I once loved go away and I don’t feel inspired to create or to write. My home is my safe space.
I can only deal with people for a certain amount of time before I get mentally exhausted. When I’ve had enough of the world, I get quiet, I shut everybody out, I put up a wall. When I’m off my routine, it shows. My whole day gets thrown off I've something throws me off my routine. I do things in the morning as I get ready for work, if something is off, my whole day gets shifted or if my night routine is slightly different, I can't sleep. I have a hard time sleeping as it is, but one little thing off track can make it 100 times worse.
I have a hard time saying “no” because I don’t want that person to get mad at me, I don’t want that person lecturing me how ungrateful I’m being, I say “yes” because that’s what the person wants to hear even if it makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I’ve been wanting to say “no” a lot more and be able to stand up for myself, but I don’t want to get attitude from people. I don’t want to be looked down on for saying what’s on my mind.
I’m at the point in my life, my mid 30s, where I should be doing what I love. I shouldn’t work because I have to, I should work because I want to and it’s something I was meant to do in life. There are people my age who are already 10-15 years into their respective careers and I’m sitting here not knowing if I’ll ever be able to get my dream job.
I think about that a lot lately, knowing that I’ll do whatever I can to make my dreams happen and not be taking seriously. I feel like I don’t have what it takes to succeed. I don’t feel like I’m moving forward in life. I’m going backwards. I feel like I’m just out of high school still trying to figure life out and where I fit in. I want to be able to do so much and live the life I always wanted, but I feel like nobody wants to help me make that happen. I feel alone when it comes to conquering what I’m supposed to do in life.
I’m at the end of my rope, I’m burned out. I’m done dealing with people and the world. I just want 2022 to be over. I want a new year where I can start fresh and begin a new chapter. I want to be able to be who I am without feeling like I have to please people just because that’s what they want. I want to be able to do want I feel is right and not feel judged. I want to be able to do what I love and not have to worry about what about people think.