Growing Up and Not Knowing I Was On The Autism Spectrum

Growing up, I always knew I was different from my peers, but I never knew why. I always thought that I was the weird kid because my classmates looked at me differently. I know it showed in what I did and what I said. Being normal as a kid wasn’t something that I did. I had my quirks and mannerisms. Teachers may have known that there was something about me, but I don’t think they had the resources at that time to say anything or maybe they were just nervous about speaking up just in case they were wrong.

The school district that I went to school in had no junior high or middle school. Elementary school was kindergarten thru 7th grade. High school was grade 8 thru 12. My brother is 2 years older, but we were 3 grades apart so by the time I got to high school, my brother was already in grade 11. It was an easy transition for me because I had an advantage of knowing people in every grade because of my brother. I was able to go to anybody in any grade for help because of who my brother was. I was lucky to have so many people have my back and be there for me.

We never used, freshman, sophomore, junior or senior. It never caught on where I’m from. We use senior for sports to promote the upcoming games (senior boys soccer or senior girls field hockey), but we never used those terms for grade level.

All through elementary school, I was one of the tallest people in my school, but once I got to high school, I was surrounding by 15-16 year olds who were already 6 feet tall.

When I was in kindergarten, the teacher told my parents that I should do another year in preschool before making the leap into kindergarten. I’m assuming that she noticed that I wasn’t connecting with my peers and going back to preschool would help me interact with other kids. I still struggle with connecting with other people, but if your shy, talking to people in general is hard. Good thing that she caught on early or I probably would been in a higher grade and not had to repeat a grade or get held back.

By the time I had graduated in 2006, I was one of the oldest kids in my class. I had turned 18 long before anyone else did and for some reason, I felt like it was superpower, I felt like a mama bear.

In a way I never felt like a had used my age as a reason to be the leader in the classroom or amongst my peers, but I felt like if they ever needed anything I knew I would try and help them as best as I could.

I was in speech therapy until about grade 4. I would leave class once a week and learn how to say certain sounds and letters. I don’t think it had to do anything with Asperger’s. Even today, I still have trouble with speech. I mumble my words, I talk fast when telling a story or I just want to say something before I forget. If I have something written down beforehand, I can rehearse it before saying it out loud so I can make sure I say words clearly and enunciate. On occasion, it takes me a couple of seconds for my brain to tell my mouth to say something.

From what I was told, I didn’t talk until I was about 4 years old. It wasn’t until I got my childhood dog that I would say things. People would ask me about her and I would just go on and go about her. Animals do work wonders.

For the longest time, I didn’t call my brother by his real name. I always used to call him, “Him.” I knew his name and I was able to say it in my head, but I was never able to verbally say it. I still have have trouble with talking. I stutter, I mumble and get my words mixed up. I tend to talk fast, especially when I want to get what I want to say out and I also have a habit or repeating myself because I don’t think people hear me so I just keep saying something until they tell me otherwise.

One of the things that would always happened as a kid was how frustrated I got especially at school. I always felt that my peers would always try and get a rise out of me and try and make me cry. Whenever we had the chance to play on the playground, they would always come after me and tag me even when there was someone right beside them, they would go out of their way to tag me. I would get mad and cry because I thought it wasn’t far. I felt alone when I was with my classmates and at that time I had separation anxiety. I would panic and cry if I didn’t see my brother on the playground during recess and lunch. One of the playground supervisors would have to help me track him down. Once I saw him, I was fine.

We’re always told to be nice to others. Being nice as always come easy to me. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. I wish I could say that about people who’ve I’ve met or worked with over the years. People can be mean and it hurts to know that they can’t at least civil to the people around them. Its easier said then done. People just don’t know how to be nice or they just never experience that in their own lives growing up so they don’t know how to be around people that don’t think or act like them. I feel bad if I’m not nice to someone. Its just how I was grew up. Show someone respect and they will show you respect. Treat people how you want to be treated.

Looking back on school and knowing what I know now. I wonder if maybe I was diagnosed sooner, would I be living a different life? Would I be more successful? Would I have had access to tools that would have helped me go where I want to go in life? There are a lot of questions about what it would have been like if Aspergers showed up then rather then now. I know it would have explained a lot.

School became really easy by the time I got to grade 12. Out of the 8 classes that I had, there was 2 or 3 classes that I needed for credit, the other classes were electives. I had the fun classes and it was a easier year. I don’t know if they did that on purpose due to my struggles in math in previous years or maybe I just didn’t advantage of the classes that would have helped me in the long run, but either way, I finished school and was able to walk the stage.

I have a sensitivity to certain noises, textures, touch etc. I never liked loud noises, especially when it came to things like concerts and fireworks. I’ll get nervous and anxious. I had this quirk where I had to touch the floor whenever I went. Everything I went from one texture to another, I had to bend down and touch the floor. I remember being in church and I would bend down during the mass and feel the floor because it had a cool texture.

I wasn’t diagnosed with Asperger’s until 2011. I heard about Asperger’s, but I never really knew what it was. Until I was diagnosed. Finally there was a name and reason why I was the way I was. I was always had quirks as a kid, but there wasn’t a reason why I had them. The things we wish we knew back them.

Sometimes it feels like people don’t take advantage of how intelligent I am. I may not show it by the way I act or the things I say, but sometimes I want to have an adult conversation about something. I like going in depth about a certain topic. I’m pretty open about what to talk about, but if I don’t know about a certain topic that I try and avoid bringing it up because I don’t want to say something that’s wrong and look like an idiot.

After I graduated in 2006. I moved to another town in the middle of nowhere. I would stay at home. Go from my home to the computer then back to my room. I wasn’t socializing because everyone had moved on. I didn’t have a licence so I couldn’t drive anywhere and I didn’t know any bus routes. I would just stay at home. I worked a couple jobs and even then I would go to work, go home and then just hide out in my room and do it all over again the next day. It was a routine. Once I finished school, my routine of going to school every day changed. I had to develop a new one. Routines and repetitive behaviour are ways for people with Asperger’s to cope with everyday life. We don’t like change and if something happened that we weren’t used to then we can get anxious and frustrated. I didn’t know I needed a routine until I didn’t have one.

Not many people know that I have Asperger’s and that’s fine. It’s either you know or you don’t. The people that do know are people that I talk to and see on a regular basis. The people I talk to on a regular basis are people I’ve met thru social media or from an old job I had. I’m always on my phone texting or tweeting someone. There are only a few people that I know personally that I can call my true friends. People I can trust and talk to about anything.

There are people who I’ve met and stayed in contact with over the last few years. It’s those people who I consider my true friends. They’ve stuck with me before and after I told them about having Asperger’s.

I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I’m not comfortable in. If I don’t feel like going out, don’t quilt trip me into going. It’s not going to make me feel any better about being in a group setting. Just because it would be a good way for me to meet people and make friends, doesn’t mean, I’m going to go up to people and talk to them. It takes me a lot of courage to actually go up to someone I don’t know and introduce myself.

The only way I will go somewhere new is if I know someone else that’s going. That way if I need someone to safe me from an awkward situation, this person can come in and save the day or they can break the ice and introduce me to people. If I go blind and there isn’t anybody there that I know, then I’m either going to seat in the corner on my phone and observe or I’m going to wonder why I’m there in the first place.

I always felt different, but I always thought people just didn’t know me. I always took the time to know the people around me. I think they knew there was something “off” about me.

Due to the lack of facial expressions, people assume that I’m not interested in the conversation. Don’t get me wrong, I like getting into deep conversation with the people around me and a lot of the time it shows that I don’t care, but in reality I just wish that some conversations turn more into friendships then just a simple chat in a public place.

I’ve always been a nice person and I thought that people would appreciate that, but a lot of the time people just think I’m weird. I try and blend in as much I as can. The more I pretend to be “normal” the more the Aspergers sticks out.

I never liked the word “disabled” or “disability”, it makes me think that people assumes I can’t do something because I have this label. We’re all human. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Some of us were born non-verbal, the inability to walk or not being able to hear, but we live in the same world with the same challenges, we just face them at different times and at different speeds. I don’t want to be looked down on and judged because I have Aspergers. I want to be looked at someone who is taking it one day at a time. Sometimes it can be difficult, but life isn’t easy. If it was then we’re all be rich with fancy houses and the latest sports car who go on numerous vacations throughout the year. Some of us are more lucky then others, but that doesn’t mean we can’t lend a helping hand to someone who is struggling.

Having Aspergers will never go away, but it can be worked on with time and patience, but people make a big deal about it. They think I deserve special treatment because I’m attached to the word “disabled, it makes me feel like I can’t do things for myself. I can walk, talk, and have the ability to hold friendships and talk to people on a regular basis. I am a normal person who wanted to be treated with respect. I just think differently. I don’t disrespect the disabled community, but when it comes to people thinking I can’t do something makes me mad. They judge me before they get to know me. They don’t give me a chance. People are afraid of the word “disability”, they make assumptions.

I don't want my aspergers to be the only thing people know me as. I want people to look past that and know that I am so much more then just someone on the autism spectrum. I can be CEO a successful company, but people won't give me a chance because all they see is the aspergers.