If I’m being honest, there are things that I would love to do, but I’m afraid to do. I don’t know if its an aspergers thing or if I’m just scared of the outcome. When I think about things I’ve done like youtube, I think about how that was a failure. I was excited about finally finding a platform where I could be myself and be able to show my interests and make friends etc, but overtime it went no where. I developed nothing from it and I was disappointed because I knew that where I wanted my youtube to go was no where near were it went. I take my negative experiences from youtube and apply them to the things I want to try and do. Every time I wanted to create something either artistically or on my blog, I always think that nobody’s going to see this, nobody’s going to pay attention, nobody cares what I do and that always makes me self conscience because I tend to think that if I’m not good enough for other people then what I am doing what I’m doing. Even if I’m good at something and people aren’t responding to it then I start to become my own worst critic.
I try and reach out and ask what people would like to see me do, but they just don’t care. I’m always coming up with things that I could do, but I’m scared that the outcome is going to be negative one because I’m afraid that people aren’t going to take an interest in what I have to say or in the things I’m doing so I’ll put everything on hold.
I want to be able to branch out and try new things, but I’m afraid of how its going to turn out. I don’t want to give it a happy ending and then it turns out to be a failure. I’ve experienced heartbreak when it came to things I cared about and I just don’t want do that again with my blog. Its been over 10 years since I started my first my blog and my journey in writing is nowhere near where I want it to be and sometimes I wonder why I began a blog in the first place. Do I give it up and just let it die or do I just keep writing and hope that I get at least one positive feedback on it? Is my blog a failure? Am I trying to hard to make it work?