Dating With Aspergers

Many people have dreams of meeting the right person, getting married and having kids. For some people, it’s easy to go out and meet someone. They have that spark or that charisma. Then there’s me. I have a hard time connecting with people and making friends. I have a better chance of meeting people on social media than in person. I can take my time in responding and making sure that I say the right thing.

I can go to a social event like a birthday party or a dinner and sit quietly on my phone, hoping someone would come up to me and start a conversation, but a lot of the time it’s a room full of people I don’t know, which makes it a lot harder to make connections.

I’ve been friend-zoned so many times over the years that “I like you as friend” isn’t an easy thing to hear. People can’t look past the friend in me. When they find out I’m on the autism spectrum, it feels like I can’t be taken seriously. Once they get that in their head, it’s the only thing they see.

One of my fears when it comes to dating is saying something that would be a turn off for someone. I don’t want to be all excited than ramble on about nothing, or not say enough and make the other person assume I’m not interesting. I need to think about what I say before I say it, and being put on the spot makes it harder. I want to say the right thing, but sometimes the wrong thing comes out. I want to be able to show people who I am, but when you’re not given the chance to shine, you start to believe it’s you.

As much as I would love to have a group of friends and a dating life, I’ve come to accept that getting married and having kids may not be in the cards for me. I had pictured a life where by the time I was at the age I am now, I would be married or at least on my way to getting married. I also thought I would have at least have one kid by now. You just have to go with the flow and make the best of it.

If I’m being honest, its hard for me to learn about people who are getting married or expecting because it reminds me of something that is never going to happen for me. I’m reminded of a dream that is never going to come true. You can dream of living happily ever after, but how often does that come true?

I always dreamt of being in a relationship where I can look back on my life with said person and know that I did everything I ever wanted to do in life and I was able to share my experiences, achievements and failures with the one person who means more to me then anyone else in the world. I want to get married one time and I want to do it right. Even if it’s means getting married at 50 years old.

Dating in high school was something I never experienced. I was allowed to date, but I just never had guys casually ask for my number. It was the one part of high school I wish I had a chance to be part of.

Having crushes on my classmates became a regular occurrence for me. It seemed like I always had a crush on someone in my class, but I always knew that nothing would ever happen between us because they wouldn’t have the same feelings for me or they just didn’t know who I was. I bet you that half the people in my graduation class wouldn’t be able to tell you my name. I have gotten a couple messages from classmates saying that they noticed how nice I was to everyone. They would always see me talking to someone of all walks of life, no matter who they were, I was talking to them.

The struggle is real when it comes to trying to connect with people especially when it comes to people in your age group. You want to be able to impress them by telling them about what’s going in your life, but when you feel like their living your dream life for you, there’s nothing you can really do when it comes to the question. “What have you been up too?” There’s no right answer, everyone is different.

To be honest, I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never been on a date; never had guys line up to ask me out. I always had the feeling that classmates found me weird. Maybe they knew something before I did.

I was always allowed to date, but I never had the opportunity to do so. In high school. I would see my friends go on dates or have boyfriends. I always wanted to have that they had. I would get jealous and secretly wish that it wouldn’t last and a lot of the time it didn’t. I was the only one at my table at prom who didn’t have a date. I was the third wheel at a table of couples. I didn’t want to go to prom because I know I wasn’t going to have a good time and I felt like if I didn’t go then people were going to question why I wasn’t there and rub it in my face about what happened.

I’ll never know why nobody offered to set me up when they knew that I was single and wanted to date. How was I supposed to know how dating works if I wasn’t going on any. Even if it didn’t work out, at least I tried. It’s not the end of the world. I just wanted to experience what my peers were experiencing.

Nobody ever got past the friend zone. If I had a dollar for every time I got rejected, I would be able to get myself that car I always wanted.

By the time I was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2011, I understood why I wasn’t able to connect with my classmates and why I never went on any dates. Maybe if I was diagnosed when I was still in school then maybe I would have been able to work on my social interaction and work on how to communicate with my classmates.

I’ve always been nice to people and showed them respect and I always thought that would be a quality that people would want in a partner. I've always went by treat others the same way you want to be treated. I show respect, but I feel like I don't get respect back when it comes to wanting to date and be able to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

It kills me to know that there isn't anyone out there for me. When people tell me that there is someone out there, I just have to have to be patient, but it's easy for them to say that because they found their prince charming. I want someone who is willing to go to the ends of the earth for me and love me to the moon and back.

Nobody knows what the future holds. We can plan all we want, but one little thing can change the course of what the world has in store for us. If we were able to see into the future, would we like what we see or would we try and change it out of fear? Some of us fear the unknown and other people just for with the flow, they just go wherever it takes them.

When I was in high school, I had a plan on what I wanted my future to look like. I had pictured what I wanted to accomplished. I had planned on getting married and having kids by 30 and working at a job I loved. I planned on travelling and having a great group of friends who would come over on a regular basis. I didn’t wanted to be one of those people who move every couple of years. I wanted to live in one place for many years and when I move out of said home, I would take one last look around and remember the amazing memories that I had made. A home where I fell in love, a home I got married in, a home where everything I ever wanted in life had come true. I wanted so much, but of course none of that has happened.

At the age I’m at now, I’m in a “If it happens, it happens” mindset. There are things I still want to happen. I want to a home and not a house. I want to create a life in one place and not have to worry about where I’m going to be when the lease it up. I still want to have a good life, but I’m at a place now where if I get married, that's great. If I don’t get married, that's fine. If I have have kids, fantastic. If I don’t have kids, that’s okay, but there are things I still want and cherish. I want to be able to work hard on the things I do want so I can look back on my life and know that I did everything I could do to have a amazing life to look back on. I don’t want to live in fear. I want to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time. Who knows what the future holds. I don’t want to plan what’s going to happen and be disappointed when that thing doesn’t happen.

Who knows if I’m even able to have kids. I don’t want to get to the part in my life where I’m finally in a good place and I learn that I can’t get pregnant or I can get pregnant, but it's going to be risky. I don't want to get to that point in life where getting pregnant is no longer a option because of my age. I just want to know that I can have the family I've always wanted.